St. James Way

17th Hiking Day

We anchored near Lascabanes yesterday and are on the way to Lauzerte now. This dog Edith yesterday (from the Dutch gîte godfather Hans) a piece of gold. Licked my hand the whole time. Hans' advice to learning French: find yourself a French girl. Guess that's easier said than done. Apart from that, I walk behind the two Canadians again. I'll keep up with their pace for maybe 15 minutes, then I fall behind. Everyone in his own way. But they are really nice to me. However I enjoy the time when I'm alone all the more. Everything is much calmer and slower. I enjoy picking new French words out of conversations. Organic learning. Yes, this is my daily routine. Hiking, learning French, eating. Do I miss home? No. It's only the 17th day of hiking. I have no expectations beyond a good meal and a cold beer. I can now also use forms of comparative and minus calculation in French. Lots of little things right now.

For a few hours now I have the feeling of being at the beginning again. When I try to imagine my whole future life, I don't see much and mostly wasteland, sadness, boredom. I know I should try just to pay attention to the next step, the next day. But it just doesn't work right now. Or maybe I'm just tired. I don't think about God very often right now. Not at all really. Maybe it helps to write it all down. But I've had these thoughts for as long as I can remember. Everything just circle. And where there is apparently a new beginning, there is only the old one again. As if I can't escape this dark valley no matter what I try. How do I fill this hole that begins just behind my belly button? There is also a lot of loneliness on the way here. Maybe partying at the »Ballermann« would be the healthier alternative for me.

Maybe I see the whole thing too seriously and I should rather get drunk with beer and wine. Oh, Julie.

Everything slips away. Untouched by time. Why am I what I am and become what I have become? There is some strength in everything, but above all in that one easy moment called "now". With the mind only in the "now" and not in the "before that" and not in the "after that". Fields again, first on the left, then on the right.